Something Deep


Today, I stumbled upon something I wrote; only a short four months before before my daughter and I were hit by a drunk driver in my car, and seven months before my mother passed away. It will be five years soon and I still struggle without her. In five years, I have had a hard battle through many trials and tribulations that I’ve endured. It may have started with a car accident and losing a lot of ability to do things I liked; but then three months later, it hit me. First, my mom but only a year after that, my father lost it all when their house burned down; just as he was putting the pieces back together after mom. Our entire lives, and many cherish-able memories were gone. I’d call it the end of an era. My dad had been sick for many years now. I knew it was only a matter of time before all that smoke inhalation would take him down. Only a year after the house fire, my father almost died. With the greatest miracle in tow, it just wasn’t his time, yet. He came back from the onset of kidney failure, heart failure, and sepsis. The miracle man. However, this is where the story goes cold. After that he stayed sick. My life, and things around me were hitting me hard. the lack of support, it brought me down. within a year, I had a feeling. I knew my ultimate transition was about to begin. My dad, he got sick again… this time…. really bad. I spent many days being there for him, and calling him on the phone but this time, I knew. I called my brother and let him know, “Dad is just… not looking so good.”

Dad got sick and flown out to a hospital in Albuquerque, just 4 days before Christmas. The funny thing about this experience is, somehow, someway he was aloud to be released on Christmas Eve. Despite my secret plan to take the family to him on the day, instead I was rushing up to Albuquerque to pick up my dad. Christmas miracle yes indeed. Was it because he wanted to be with his family on his last days?

Two weeks later sick AGAIN, delirious and slurred. I took him to the doctor, things weren’t so good. They took a few tests and had him go home. I left him with my brother to go get my kids. However, in an odd strange moment within my silent still, I knew my dad needed me. I called, guess where he was? Sure enough an ambulance had rushed to his house, after the test results were received, and he was in the ER.

He looked bad. It was bad.

“Dad I’ll be right behind the plane, I need you to hang in there for me.”

“Don’t you go rushing out, you have things to take care of, you’ll know when your needed.” :O

Here I was, your youngest child, standing by your side, holding your hand. awaiting the plane, to fly you out AGAIN. I think when you said,

“See this is why I didn’t want to come here. if I’m gonna die, I just want to die at home.”  A giant slap to my face. I looked down, took a breath, and while beating back tears said:

“Dad… I love you.” I said with pure love and strength.

Just like when I made sure to tell mom, I guess my intuition spoke to me again.

In the uttermost aggravating pain, he rolled over to face me and say,

“I love you too.”

These were our last words. You passed out. I stood by your side as I watch you endure, how a human body could even handle what I saw happen to you. I’m left slightly traumatized. I knew, this was it. :/ they almost got you better, they really, almost did. Until the day mom and dads’ anniversary arrived. Within days it took you…. you…. were gone. Facing the biggest challenge my brother and I had to face. We …. had …. to make a choice. My hero, my role model, and the strongest person I knew. It took kidney failure, heart failure, respiratory failure and sepsis to take you down. I tried to stand right by your side, but the moment your lights started to go out, I couldn’t bear, and you tried to fight for me. I mustered up all the remaining strength I had, and stepped back, choosing to let you leave without hurt. Torn deep inside, I stood on the other side of the glass doors watching until your last breath. for you, I stood there strong.  That night it snowed, and it snowed hard. You were gone.

I suppose this  brought out a perspective that shined a light within. Last week I turned 30. Both my parents are gone. It’s just me and my brothers now and only two of us are there. My life has changed greatly. I am the next generation. with this slightly grim prospect within, I am here to say. After five years of consistent experiences, I’m on the other side again and I suppose, the reason I stand here, bruised, beaten, scarred and endured is because even back then I always knew this one thing.

I am strong, and this Is why:

“And then it was over” August 8th, 2009

There comes a time, when everything needs a change. You see your life, and wonder why, some of the choices you’ve made bring you to your knees. When you look inside, you know your strong. Emotionally, physically, you move along. To never be weak in front of the ones you love, you sit alone inside your head. Sorting everything out, and the only guidance is yours. Parents become proud and praise you, for what you do. How could you ever think of letting them down. Even though some decisions may have disappointed them, that love is always there. Because the main difference between disappointed and not being proud is that disappointed only lasts moments, while to not be proud, takes a lifetime to shape. When I see that smile in my fathers eyes, I know even though, I sometimes make mistakes, he sees all I’m worth, and entrusts that ill be OK. Only thing that matters is that what you choose to do in life puts a smile on your face. The only people who count, are the ones who care deep. Choices, and simple complexities, become your famine if you let them. sometimes you must change lanes, to bring new transit. Sitting and pondering, only suits for thinking. When action is desired, only you can win. In order to race, you must allow everything at stake, to be your greatest battle. When you fall, you get back up, because sometimes you gotta lose the battle to win the war. In the end it is really you. Your strength and courage will help you soar. Open your heart, and let it all in. It’s the little things in life that matter too.

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The point: even then with all I said, I suppose my strength and knowledge had prepared me for my hardest battle yet.

 

 

 

 

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