” I can still remember the disgust. The memories haunt me, and often night terrors own me.”
Danielle a beautiful girl indeed, but her beauty was a curse. Only a little girl of eight years old; her virtue stripped from her not by choice. Things like that happened several times in her young life. The funny thing is, she thought it was her fault. Maybe she did something wrong, or something was wrong with her. She held turmoil inside she didn’t speak about, and dealt with it all on her own. A neighborhood boy took advantage of her. She lost a little piece of her innocence that day. This internal struggle brought her down. She never forgot, and didn’t live it down.
Later, Danielle, a little girl of eleven spent the night at her friend’s house. That evening after falling asleep, Danielle awoke to the odd feeling of someone fondling her. An older relative of her friend. Petrified, Danielle froze. She didn’t know what to do. He continued touching her. In so much fear, she tried to get out of it, but it didn’t matter. He continued forcefully. She didn’t know what to do. He was touching her in ways that created dismay. Danielle was lost and confused. She kept saying no. Obviously scared, but that didn’t matter. He tried to get her to do things she was not ready for. No matter how many times she said she wanted to stop, he continued. She tried pushing him away, and he became more forceful. Danielle knew he wasn’t going to stop, that in this moment he was planning to do the unthinkable. He wanted to have sex with her. An innocent little girl with big hopes and dreams; he wanted to taint her soul for the rest of her life. “I can’t believe this is happening again.” she thought to herself. She continually thought about the outcome, what it might do to her, if it would injure her. He grabbed her hand, and stuck it down his pants and for a moment in her head, Danielle had become numb. She knew she was about to experience defeat. With a spiraling force of energy, emotion, and pain, something happened. Danielle’s thoughts changed. “NO!” She thought with a fierce energy inside of her.
“All I can remember is constantly thinking, how am I going to get out of this, how can I make it stop?”
Danielle reached her breaking moment when he pulled his clothes off, and just like last time, she was in for trouble.
“NO!… Not this time.” she cried within herself.
Little girl lost in a moment of despair. She drifted into a memory of her mother saying”If anyone’s going to do it, it’s gonna be Elle. ”
“Not this time!” she cried in her mind again.
“I need to go to the bathroom.” Danielle said.
He nodded his head, and let her go.
Why did that work? How did it work? She didn’t know but it did. She rushed away before he could change his mind, went inside that bathroom and locked the door. Luckily, the bathroom connected two bedrooms. Standing there thinking “What am I going to do?” She looked up to realize she could leave into the other room. So she did. She woke her friend.
“Hey!.. wake up.. you gotta wake up!”
“Why what’s happening?”
“I woke up and he was touching me down there.”
“Oh no!.. he did it to you too?”
“He does it to me a lot.”
“Your kidding me.”
They could hear the stumbles of him coming from the other room. Panicked, Danielle shushed her friend.
“We need to get out of here.”
“Where are we going to go.”
“Lets go to your parents room. We don’t have to tell them anything, just say were scared, and that’s all. I doubt he’ll do anything in front of them. We’ll be safe there.”
He came looking for them, and they knew they had to think quick, and fast. They needed to escape any more horror, so they ran down the long hallway and snuggled themselves up inside her friends parents bed. Scared, but finally at ease. As Danielle slowly drifted to sleep, she thought about her mother’s voice echoing inside her head. “If it wasn’t for that, I could still be in there, going through it.”
The next morning was quite the awkward drive. Danielle sat quietly thinking to herself, “If I hadn’t already experienced this once, he could have really hurt me.” But, she knew from her previous misadventure, it only gave her ambition to escape the fate again. Metaphorically hurt, broken, beaten, and bloody. All she could think was “I just want to get home already.”
She internalized these experiences with something being wrong with her. She thought she was ugly. Why else would some one want to hurt her like that. She endured each of her experiences throughout her life with wisdom in her eyes from the last experience. A little girl of damaged goods, feeling disgusted, and off.
With a tattered heart, and shredded soul, Danielle had been broken at her very core that evening. A memory that created agony in her waking life. A moment that terrorized her in her sleep. Danielle got home that day, and all she could do was run to her parents and hug them tight, and not let go.She wanted to cry. She wanted to tell them, but she was scared. How could she disappoint this man, her hero? She couldn’t, and wasn’t ready for him to think any less of her. Instead, she did the next best thing. She looked into her fathers eyes, awaiting his rare smile only she received because anytime he gave her that look, it meant he was proud of her. Her pain began to melt away for even in that small moment that they connected, she tucked her head into his stomach and didn’t let go for a while. Her father, a wise man, most likely knew the turmoil she felt especially after connecting emotionally with his daughter. He knew something was wrong. He let out a disappointed sigh, and held his baby girl tight and said.
“Danielle, is everything alright.?”
She didn’t want to say no because hugging her father was bliss. So she replied, “Yeah… I just missed you.”
She couldn’t find the nerve to tell them even a little. Maybe that’s why he focused all of his wisdom on her, because he knew that if she’d experienced anything, that just by not giving up on her, she would make it out alright.