” I still wake up in cold sweats. Gasping for air, blood boiling, my heart racing, heavy breathing, agony, and terror. Some nights, I’d wake up screaming.”
The Misfortunate dream:
“It always happened the same way. A normal dream, happy smiling, interacting, experiencing through my subconscious mind, enjoying. Suddenly, the lighting changes, and the tone is different. I’m alone. everyone has disappeared. The wind starts to blow powerful, and anxiety kicks in. Then, like a predator to a prey, I am being chased. Something’s coming. It’s coming fast. I run; I run faster, but I’m not really getting anywhere. Panicked, I try to hide, but can’t stay hidden. I don’t even know what I’m running from. I’m scared! I look back to see my predator, and fall inside a body of water. Frozen, paralyzed; I am numb. Looking up drifting away. A shadowed figure emerges into view. Above me I am defeated. Slowly drifting, drowning, and dying. I’m done!!”
With her heart racing, Chest pounding, chaotic breathing, palms sweaty and dribbles down her neck, Danielle awoke strained, and said under her breath,”It happens every night.”
Dumbfounded, it takes her a moment to snap out of it. Reflecting on what she just experienced, she would always say “What a weird dream!”
“I remember that moment. I could feel a wavy surge of energy rolling off my body and I felt it the moment those words rolled off my tongue.”
The moment everything changed:
Danielle walked into the living room flustered, strained, un-easy, and utterly emotional. Her dream stirred up all her feelings from her past. She sat down and tried her best to wake up. Normally, she could handle the jokes coming from her sister, but this morning, she … just… wasn’t feeling it. Her sister Jen took one look at her and tore in. “What’s a matter Cinderella, didn’t you get enough sleep?”
Thinking in her head, “I don’t even get spoiled. Why?” Slightly edgy already Jen kept tearing in.
“We’ll you look like crap.”
“Danielle said, “Thanks for the vote of confidence… Can we be done with this, I’m not in the mood.”
“Oh, did I hurt your feelings?… Little crybaby.”
Danielle hadn’t even fully woken, or put things in perspective in her mind. Flustered, and aggravatingly annoyed, she looked at her sister and said,”You know what? Your stupid! ALL YOU DO IS B______!!!”
“Don’t talk to your sister like that!!!” Mom said.
“Jen started it!”
“I don’t care. STOP IT!!.”
“I know! You never care!!”
Dad walked in because he heard all the screaming, and they all stood silent for a moment. He had the tendency to walk into a place and give off a strong presence.
“Whats going on?” Dad asked.
Mom began, “Danielle is yelling and fighting with Jen.”
Daniele second, “Jen’s picking on me and mom got mad at me for it!!.”
They began a heated argument over it. Upset, Danielle fumed.
Her father tried to stop it. “Calm down Elle.”
But mom kept going; Danielle kept going. Finally, like nails scratching a chalkboard, everything came to a halt. Danielle felt overcome with grief, and guilt. She felt cornered and, her newest emotion, threatened. She looked at her mother, with a cold hard stare and said, “I HATE YOU!!!”
It rolled out so easily. So… distinct. Her mother became quiet, and put her head down. She walked away.
Danielle knew in that very moment that there was no going back.
“Danielle come outside with me.” Her dad said.
They walked outside and sat under a tree for a while. Her father stared at her quietly until she calmed down.
“You know Elle, hate is a very strong word… You shouldn’t use it lightly.”
Danielle placed her hands on her lap, and looked down. “I’m sorry, Dad.”
“I’m not the one you have to apologize to.”
Conflicted, Danielle knew she had messed up. She tried to make up for it. She tried hard. The fights started happening more. They fought a lot, and through every single one of them, all Daniel could think was, “If they only knew.”
After that day, Danielle and her mother started to drift apart; an eternal struggle between the two, and she didn’t know what to do. Danielle had no one to talk to about her problems, and like a little fireball, she bottled it in until the pressure built up, causing her to explode. Her dad always had something to say to her that would make her think. Danielle and her mother loved each other so, but they didn’t know how to show each other. Their connection was slightly severed. For several years, Danielle struggled with this turmoil. It changed her. She used to be confident. Now… not so much. She kept her head down, and engaged with others very little. However, her relationship with her father grew stronger. The perfect role model, her hero; the constant in her life. But, in her outside world, men were monsters.
“Danielle, you shouldn’t walk around with your head down so much. It makes you look intimidated.” Dad would say with his concerned look on his face.
She looked up, and he’d smile that brilliant smile of his, and for a small moment, she felt alive again.
Wise beyond her years, she struggled fitting in, no one understood her. She was beyond them.
She found herself an outlet, and she healed herself a bit. She silently struggled, and fought with herself. But Danielle was talented and found her niche. Little girl of fourteen, discovered the world of music.