As the countdown approaches, I heavily reflect. This year has been a hard one. This season has been quite unnerving. Many things have changed. My views are different. I look back to a time when this time of year had a magical effect on me. Before all the destruction started it was home-ly. While Christmas is still a humble holiday and I don’t want to take away from that, it serves as a reminder to me of the beginning of my fathers final battle. We often lose as we grow. We experience so many things that shape us and mold us into who we are today. This year, I have not been into the holiday, because it is my very first without both of my parents. Five years ago, Christmas eve, a drunk driver hit my car while my three-year old daughter and I were injured that day. I struggle with chronic back pain on the daily, but I keep my head up because, I am bound and determined to not allow that to hinder me. However, that incident triggered anxiety about driving on Christmas eve. A year ago today, my father in dire medical condition at the Albuquerque heart hospital, just knew it was his last holiday. He did the unthinkable, and coerced them to release him early. I find myself battling with this one a lot. I see it from my perspective and I see it from his. Here’s what I know: he didn’t want to spend his last holiday bound to a hospital bed but rather at home with his family. Phone rings ten after five
“You still coming for me?”
I found myself in a predicament. My dad wanted me to drive two hours away on Christmas eve. “But dad. Were all gonna drive up on Christmas day to be with you.” He said my name with that special tone of voice. I call it our “inside signal.” I knew he really wanted me to come through, and I knew what I was facing. Christmas eve + long drive = 😐 But dad needs me. I made a choice that day. For the sake of my father, I would overcome. I did. I followed techniques I’ve learned through my psych. studies, drove slowly, and watched every driver with paranoia, but I went, and I brought my daddy home to our last Christmas.
A happy holiday I suppose, but dad had a grim look on his face. He knew something he wasn’t going to share. My dad pulled out the guitar and he played just for me. 🙂 There it was, the last smile 🙂 our sacred bond. Visibly sick , I was greatly concerned I knew I was losing my dad . As he was leaving that night, I saw it clear.
“Dad. you don’t look so good.” He gave me a shrug and said, “I know.”
That grim look passed over his face again 😦 I looked at my brother after he walked out and said, “Take care of him tonight.”
“I’m serious. This is serious. I’m not sure how much longer were gonna have him around.”
He looked down somewhat guilt stricken and said “I know.”
I then called my other brother and expressed it too, “But I thought he was getting better.”
I’m ready for 2015. I barely got seven days into 2014 before losing my dad, then my grandfather a month later, then a dear to my heart cousin three days later. I had some revelations this summer, my life as I know it, is not the same. Quite frankly neither am I. As we enter into a new phase of our lives, I want to state: #stuffraresays
“Don’t forget to cherish each and every moment with your loved ones, for you’ll never know when it might be your last.”
A special thanks goes out to all my readers. It is you, who encourage and motivate me. You keep me going. For fellow bloggers, for slapping me with beautiful inspiration, and my closest girlfriend for being there like a sister, instead of just a friend. Enjoy these times with your family because in the very end, these thoughts will be in your dying moments. Small precious moment’s that build up into meaningful memories. #stuffraresays
“It is not what we give others but how we made them feel, that they will hold onto.”
I want to also apologize for the lack of posting this week. This has been weighing on me for the better half of it, which has also slowed down my writing process immensely. I am grateful for your patience, and the time you took to read this post. Chapter 7 to “A Journey Endured: The Danielle Chronicles” is in process. 😉