Today marks the day: The final trial… With grim looks and sad eyes, today a year ago, was the last day I saw my dad truly alive. We had left the doctors and I had just dropped him off with my bro… Grabbed the kids from school, came home to make food…. 6 pm after eating I went to my room, and suddenly a strange feeling came over me… I knew Something was up. Suddenly overwhelmed with the urge to call him, so I did.
“You’ll never believe where I’m at.” He said.
“The emergency room.”I replied.
“Yup… Here again. Will this ever end?”
“Dad… Uh… I’m… I’ll be right there.”
“OK…” He hung up.
I showed up and he was in pain, already suffering. Nurses, doctors freaking out. They knew his life was coming to a halt. “There’s fluid in his lungs and surrounding his heart.”
“What does that mean?” I pursued.
“Its crushing his heart, This is going to get really bad. It’ll get worse before it gets better.”
“OH..” I looked down at my feet, starting to gather a cloudy barrier.
“Don’t worry about me. Your gonna be alright.” Dad said with a saddened voice.
The nurses, and doctors continued to look at me, whispered talk. “That poor girl. She’s so young.”
“Look at her so strong to stand by his side.” another said.
I looked over at them to acknowledge that I could hear, they scrambled away, with grim faces.
That night I spoke to my father. The last time I told him “I love you.” The last time he told me, “I love you too.” The last time I saw him alive. This month is a hard month for me. On February 4th, after a very brutal month-long battle, I had to make a choice. It was up to me. The decision to pull him off life support. A choice that was so hard, and unnerving. He named me his POA, because he knew only I could do whats right, even if it was too hard to do so. I have been slow at producing my chapters this month, please do not worry they will come back soon. Currently, I am in a world of grieving. This thought weighing on me until the year comes to its end. I knew my dad trusted me, and knew I’d look out for his best interest. All my life I couldn’t ever let him down. A turmoil I struggle with consistently, Is not knowing for sure, If I finally did right by him. I couldn’t watch the pain anymore, mortified to see the strongest man I knew in such dire straights. I… did what I had to do. Today marks the day, I enter my dark tunnel. a remembrance of the month-long journey. A trial endured. On February 4th I will post a special blog. The world deserves to know what a remarkable man he was. A teacher, a musician, a veteran, a counselor, a thinker, and an amazing father. His strength Inner and outer shined beyond anything measurable. He was quite the presence. He touched many lives and transformed many hearts. A role model I’m grateful to be able to look up to.
I’m sorry if these posts annoy, or bother any of you. I just don’t want to leave you all hanging. I am entering a very hard time these next few weeks. I’m reflecting, remembering, hurting, smiling, crying, and all sorts of emotions pile through me. I miss my parents dearly. There are days when I don’t even know how I’m going to make it through, and don’t have the monarchs to help me through it. While all my school chums still have even their grandparents, I have lost all my family. Many think it’s easy to do this or that. To find sitters, or do certain things. They even shun me because these things should be just as easy for me. No! sorry even when my parents were alive, I did not pawn them off just to go out, party, and drink. To be treated as though I’m a stigma because I no longer have a support system Is truly saddening. I know most people are a lot older when they start losing their parents, but I was not. I lost them at a pretty vital point in my life. Neither of them will ever see me get married, watch their grandchildren grow, assist in the growing pains. I’m kind of going at it with the grace of my own wisdom these days. I suppose that’s what makes me unique, stronger, and more humble. I see the world in a different light. Although I always have, It’s a more matured view.
I thank you all for reading this post, and hope to see you all tune in for a special blog on February 4th. It will truly be worth your eyes. There will be music clips and a music vid. provided I receive some files in time.
I’m currently in process of posting “Journey Endured: The Danielle Chronicles” Chapter 8 is underway.