When Olivia relapses, she repeatedly attempts to reach out to her sponsor. Only, to be met with brick walls. She finally gets a hold of her sponsors roommate and discovers her sponsor is in jail.
Sponsor : “Be careful Olivia because you can end up here like me.”
Olivia: “ I wouldn’t ever steal from, hurt or deceive the people I love.”
Sponsor: “You say that now but as your relapse turns into addiction, an addict will always choose that fix before their loved ones. Even if it means destroying them in the process.”
This statement hit heavy
At first, when he finally admitted to relapsing with cocaine and alcohol, he chalked it all up to, “It was only a one time thing and it’ll never happen again. I didn’t like the way it made me feel. It was a lesson learned.”
I wanted to believe in him so much , I took that answer but remained weary.
Three weeks later, he’s showing up in a whirlwind. As though…. He was running from something.
The very first day he showed up, we went out to eat.
He ordered a drink with his dinner. At first, I skeptically disapproved as I knew deep down it wasn’t healthy for a recovering addict to slip right into using the very substance that ALWAYS destroys his life.
He batted this puppy dog eyes at me and stated, “It’s just one drink at dinner baby it’ll be fine. We’re celebrating our union. Order one for yourself too.”
Okay I can take that. A celebratory drink with dinner sounds legit.
But it wasn’t just ONE drink for him. It was four.
It became an alcoholic drink with every meal we ate.
It became empty six packs of beer surfacing daily.
It became hidden six backs, shots and vodka bottles.
For the first two weeks he stayed up all night and slept all day. I don’t really need to mention what drug of choice causes that in an individual. We all know though.
After two weeks we started staying the night together.
From what I could tell he was sleeping all night, alongside me yet would still want to sleep during the day.
Therefore, in retrospect I realize…
Considering the comments he’d made about his last few failed relationships, with woman who YES he claimed abused him. He “would wait until they were asleep to get up and do his thing all night”
It was when I’d noticed, that within only a short month, he started to loose a significant amount of weight. That there was a problem.
“ It was only a one time thing and I won’t do it again”
Went out the window the moment it lefts his lips.
His relapse, turned into a full blown addiction once more. Expediently.
Before I knew it, everything became…. About him. Everything we did was based around what he thought needed to occur and how it needed to occur. He started chastising me for EVERYTHING I did.
🔹Why do you sleep like that
🔹Why do you talk like that
🔹Why are you so nice to people
🔹The list is long…
🔹He’d even gotten down on me for the things he’d once loved about me.
Did I realize what was happening? Not at first.
Each day as I dutifully went off to work, he cracked into his stash. Spending his day doing all the things he claimed he wasn’t, while blaming me for doing it.
That last day, he chose to drink all afternoon BEFORE I got home from work, continued to drink on the sneaks and pop something else when I was unaware.
It all came to a crashing halt when he unleashed his anger and all his issues on me. A black belt, he exerted lethal force. Knowing he was gravely injuring me.
For him, blood gushing down my face, a busted open face and head, only made him hit harder. Go harder.
Repeated punches, kicks, slaps, knees, choking and biting.
No intention of stopping. He wanted to finish me off. Until, a neighbor knocked on the door, “ Is everything okay, the cops are on the way.”
If I posted the pictures of what he did to me that night. How I looked for days on end after. You would be mortified and sick to your very core.
What he did…. No matter how much he negates it, is ruthless and he is NOT a victim.
An addict yes. Victim NO. He is the victimizer. An abuser. Emotional and physically.
Once again running.
I tried to remind him daily what his goals where. His desire to work on being a better man without alcohol in his life destroying him and those he loves.
I just wanted him to find his sobriety again.
Because once that drink touched his lips, the demons kick in.
I suppose thats why that statement him me so heavy. Because no matter how hard I tried to help him, guide him, support him, encourage him… cultivate him.
It was useless.
In all the years I’ve known him….
Drugs and alcohol have been his one and only, all day and every day. With short periods of sobriety in between.
As hurtful as that is to realize.
No matter how much he claims to love another…
He will never love them more than… THE FIX.
CLICK HERE FOR NEXT POST Drink?