As you all know, I posted a few weeks back. Making it aware that I’d attended my first writing group for the first time in four years. Something., I had grown used to being scrutinized for doing. while navigating a relationship with a narcissistic addict. I couldn’t hardly do anything without being blamed for his own insecurities through his cheating.
He never really understand the difference between him and I. My concerns came from substantial proof of his infidelity. His came from the insecurities of doing it to me.
July 16th, 2021, Chad had chosen to do the unthinkable. Despicable acts of violence. I spent the first two weeks afterwards, putting in the shadow work required for healing and personal growth. A lot of people stepped in for me in a lot of big ways during this time period and it meant a lot for me, to not only be uplifted but empowered, healed and cleansed by my amazing tribe. Many thanks and pure love. 1. For supporting my posts, reading them and 2. acknowledging my growth through this period.
My first step, after healing from such a heavy trauma. Was to take a step in the right direction of who I’m meant to be. That woman, Is not the woman, Chad wanted to shape me into being.
Considering what Chad and I had created all those years ago, had we officially came together In union back then, I would have never grown into the woman you see, know and love today. For, he would have held me back, stepped on me, dragged me down and completely destroyed my inner self being.
At first, I struggled with wanting to understand how he could do such horrific things to me, and not once worry if I was dead or alive that weekend. I honestly believed that if he loved me as much as he said he did, than he would have at least reached out to see if I was okay.
Through my shadow work, I learned, there isn’t really any use in trying to understand the mind of a narcissist, especially one who’s an addict. For, they themselves do not understand their own minds as they live in their own sick and twisted life with an array of insecurities.
July 16th 2021: it wasn’t Chad sitting at the hospital with me in respect to my healing, it was my ex, Jay that stepped in and supported me through it. Ultimately winning that competition they played of “Who’s the better man”
And so…. Rather than moping over a kid, as LOS stated. (For as long a I can remember LOS’s opinions have always mattered the most to me.) Therefore, I realized. I didn’t need nor desire what Chad was serving up… ANYMORE.
To the writing group I went, using the prompted words to finitely Express:
“He’d proposed and they’d almost gotten married. He wanted her to give up everything she had so that she could become his nothing. She knew him before he became the addict. She can still recall that dreadful day, when she tried to talk him out of doing acid. He backlashed and inevitably embarked on the path. They’d met as kids and connected in a deep and profound way… Before the substances became his every and all day… They climbed up to the rooftop of their school that promising day. It was there, they shared one of the most deepest conversations and experiences either one of them had ever had. Weeks went by and they’d grown into more than best friends… Tragically, he had systematically fallen deeper into his addictions.”
And so… the conundrum goes:
“As his behaviors escalated, he’d spiraled out of control. He’d almost killed another then. He’d even gotten into trouble for raping another girl. For years, I’d defended him and believed his claims of “innocence” … I should have known. For these acts, he was shipped off to a treatment center. His family wrote him off, neither here nor there, as though…he’d never existed. Erased from thoughts and memories. Yet, she remembered him, she couldn’t let go. For she knew he existed. The truth was out there… At the time she didn’t know what was in that PUDDING. Only, that their newly budding love connection had been ripped apart and buried alive. Blundered for years, she moved on in life and focused on her aspirations. Steadily conquering the journey of what god placed in front of her. She became a pillar in her own community for these reasons. The Spiritual Warrior working to dissolve the GREAT DIVIDE. The compassion she carried for her community and society at large, left her wanting to heal others in so many ways. She wanted to help him. Maybe save him. What she didn’t know when they reconnected was that he was already too far gone. He loved bombed her and deceived her with a sob story. At first, it was a connection that seemed quite soothing. Slowly revealed itself as she found herself the target of a narcissistic addict. Suddenly his outbursts created anxiety….But the guilt trips and sob stories kept her locked in. Before she knew it, the so called powerful love connection, came into the light as he started trapping himself within his own lies. Back and forth, he became indecisive. Always on edge. Always angsty. Until, he relapsed again, for the first time since their reunion four years ago. After which, he decided to heal… Even partake in a sober living treatment program. She wanted this, she encouraged this, she supported this with full heart, compassion, genuine intent and love in tow. It wasn’t until they’d decided to see each other in person for the first time in 23 years that she’d realized… Only…AFTER their experience that he’d never fully quite healed. Leading him down the path of relapse, only ten months into his recovery. Her anxiety and stress grew stronger as she navigated his emotional outbursts. Yet, before she had time to realize her blinders were on, he was on a plane, headed to her home. He expected her to drop everything quickly and expediently. Then it happened… After a few weeks of manipulation and deceit, he attacked her ruthlessly. That night she almost lost her life. For choosing not to enable a narcissistic addict. As her head cleared and the brain fog dissipated. She remembered the signs god placed before her. That beautiful and strong Hawk appeared not once but twice within the skies that week when Chad was nearby. She knew the sign and knew she should have left, but because She wanted to believe in and love him so much… She chose to ignore the divine INTERVENTION. The warning sign she NEEDED but instead, chose to ignore her intuition. She now recovers her life as the conquerer she knows she is. For what he’d done, she’d overcome.”
“Standing strong in her power and faith, that even though he fled that night and left her for dead.”
“The darkness always recedes to the light and he shall get what’s coming to him.”
In this grievance, she learned to love no one else but her own self.
“A day after the cleansing and healing process, She plucked a Marigold from the garden nearby and with a moment of optimism, remembered who she was and where she came from.”
“As she treks the journey to her bright future ahead, his harassment doesn’t end. He gaslights her in her Bloggerverse, like the lowly rodent he has become.”
And so…The ending goes…
“While he remains stagnant within his own undoings. She shall continue persevering in her personal duties. Growing, evolving and ever changing.”
“She rises once more. Stronger and more powerful than ever before”
Written By Me: August 3rd 2021 ©All rights reserved