“I let chad know that the owners of the house I was renting were selling due to the costs that the pandemic was putting on their family. Granted, they didn’t go about it very kindly and I was only given a few weeks to figure out what to do and where to go.
For years, Chad played off of the façade that he was this supportive guy who only wanted ME in life. 🙄 Well we all know he did his fair share of studying to figure out how to manipulate me. In my moment of stress, he portrayed the supportive guy.
“Why don’t you just move out here, and we’ll get an apartment together.”
At the time, that honestly sounded like a great idea.
We both shared a little bit of excitement with the idea of finally coming together in alignment.
After our phone call, I began making shifts in order to make that a realistic transition. As I began to do my research and make calls for apartments and so forth, Chad was suddenly unavailable in the months to come.
It came as a surprise at first, after a conversation that involved Chad assertively demanding I consider moving in with him, once he had me locked in, he avoided me for months.
With no information from Chad regarding locations, zips, etcetera, I really didn’t see that as a viable option anymore.
As I started running out of time, I made the sound choice to acknowledge that Chad really wasn’t there for me in my time of need.
It was the moment I realized:
“I gave him more than he’d ever given me. I’ve always been there for him, more than he was ever there for me. I may have been his ride or die but he was never mine.”
In that awakening, I realized I couldn’t wait around for Chad to decide when I was or wasn’t deserving of his time. “To this day, I still can’t understand what gave him such a superiority complex that made him feel as though he could treat others like they needed to prove themselves worthy of him.”
“A man approaching 37 years old, unestablished, won’t hold down a job, no place of his own, can’t maintain healthy relationships with his kids, family, friends and lovers, can’t stay sober long enough to notice the beautiful things in life nor stay sober to save his own dayum life… Carries a Prove-you-deserve-me attitude.”
“The moment Chad started addicting himself to hard drugs as a teenager was the moment his cognitive development stopped.”
He still behaves like a fifteen year old kid. Someone who needs mom and dads financial help to get him by. Often appeasing his dad by doing things his dads way, so that the money can keep coming.
In the grand scheme of things, the only reason he’s with D now, is because she can mother him (He searches for woman who will be a mother figure for him because his self worth is so low he needs to be taken care of) 2. She’s allowing him to control her. For the time being.
Once she wises up as I did, she too will be on the receiving end of his psychopathic tendencies.
If you are truly healed within yourself and mature enough to date. You KNOW that relationships are partnerships not one sided. Relationships require both people to put in the effort not one person constantly taking, never caring what the other may need.
No more waiting:
I stopped waiting for Chad to follow through with his request and started making my own moves.
I looked to Jay for support instead of Chad. The best Chad wanted to reach for was a one bedroom apartment. Which at the time, I was willing to tough out any situation with him. That’s called dedication.
With Jay, I knew I had more options that would benefit the kiddos.
And so… While Jay and I had been split for years AND were in the middle of a shifting to move apart from one another, the news that we needed to move out so soon came as a hard and fast surprise. The place I was shifting to move into wasn’t going to be ready by the time we now needed to be out. Jay and I had a heart to heart knowing we were both now in this situation together. We decided that maybe we could tough out a couple more years as roommates, combine our finances and buy.
As the pandemic was rearing its ugly head, it was getting harder to find homes in our local area. It was slim Pickens when it came to options. The market was closing in and after a few weeks of trekking heavily, I’d decided to change my scope and look elsewhere.
Lo and behold success! I moved the chess pieces around and bought my first house!
After many weeks, still no word from Chad
I was finalizing the deal, and our move out day was approaching. I remember prominently stating to Jay, “To think, Chad wanted me to move in with him. Can you imagine if I had waited around for him, I wouldn’t have this house to move into now. Instead, I’d be scrambling on the streets waiting on him to pick back up.”
He stated with conviction, “it’s a pretty shitty thing for a guy to make a promise to a woman and then go silent. Mandy, I hope you realize your worth more than what an alcoholic can give you.” In a defensive tone yeh, I defended Chad.
“He’s a recovering alcoholic Jay! He’s getting better.”
“Mandy, I’ve known plenty of ‘recovering’ addicts. Unless they REALLY want to get better, they will always relapse.”
I know Jay and I have always had our differences but when he dishes advice, it’s always the type that truly makes you think.
I looked down to the floor in my disappointing revelation. Realizing Chad didn’t follow through nor step up and the only reason he was in this sober living program to begin with was the money access from dad for it.
Jay went on to say, “Trust me when I say, I’ve seen the way he speaks to you on your video chats, he’s a ticking time bomb. It’s only a matter of time until he blows shit up and relapses again and I’m willing to bet he’ll blame it all on you.”
“After all our fights, you still think I deserve better than Chad?”
“Of course, I do. I wish it could be with me, but I know I messed up by hurting you and you have every right to be upset and angry with me. What I did was wrong but I know that I can’t change how I am, and I have to live with the consequences of losing you. Mandy, you deserve someone better than me. Don’t downgrade your morals, values and standards for a guy like Chad.”He doesn’t deserve you.”
Excitement overrun me as I loaded up the van and headed out. Once we got in and started to settle, I decided to give Chad a call. I honestly expected him to ignore the call as per ush. To my surprise he answered. We had our typical “happy” conversation until! I excitedly asked him,” Hey. As you know I had to move, and it’s been a grueling experience trying to find something. How would you feel if I moved to_________?”
There it was!
The ticking time bomb BLEW UP!
I then spent my entire evening getting reamed a new one for even considering it and made to listen to all the reasons why it’s going to make US being together even more difficult. Chad is the type to give up at any sign of struggle.
Example: “Explorer hiking in the woods, comes across a huge tree branch in his path. Rather than step over it, move it or go around it, Chad will see that branch and allow that obstacle to discourage him. Disheartened he will abort any and all missions.
“I couldn’t share in the joys of my great news with Chad. An exciting and joyous moment, ruined by Chad’s tantrum.”
While he was yelling at me, I continuously pondered, “If it mattered to you this much, then where were you when I needed you and the decisions had to be made?”
The conversation itself became traumatic as I really didn’t want some guy who;
1. Wasn’t even in it to win it with me.
2. Dropped the ball.
3. Didn’t step up for me.
Telling me off for something he didn’t care about in the first place. So… I back tracked my question and changed the subject.
Not to deceive anyone, simply to avoid the massive destruction Chad wanted to unleash.
While he believes I lied to him. He’s too emotionally unstable to open his eyes in awareness that he himself created that moment of distrust. The only true portion I am guilty of….. is believing Chad cared enough about me to be there for me the same way I’d been there for him, that he could be as welcoming and open to me as I was him.
I could just as easily ask what were you hiding and lying about all those months?
Only difference was I didn’t flip out on Chad every chance I could get.
This experience created a fear of being open with him. As the subsequent weeks passed, Chad continued flipping out for such little things. Ultimately creating a situation where I didn’t feel comfortable being open with him anymore. I became fearful of expressing and communicating. Afraid to be my true authentic self from anticipation of scrutiny. Walking on eggshells.
My relationship with Chad went from being a beautiful and meaningful connection to a futile uphill battle.
Through it all. Jay’s words still remain.
“It’s only a matter of time before he blows shit up and I’m willing to bet he’ll blame it all on you.”