Of all the emotions and feelings, I’m experiencing…Heartbreak just isn’t one of them.
The most important revelation I had regarding Chad’s afflictions, relapse, deceptions, betrayals and even personal downfalls…
No matter how much he tried placing the blame on me every step of the way,…It always boiled down to the same reveal.
“It was a HIM problem not a ME… or a WE problem.”
A statement often used by a specific friend of mine each time he’d lash out and blow up: “Sounds like a him problem not a you problem.”
I should have heeded her opinions of him. Even then, he was no good. She saw it, I saw. Everyone saw it. Yet I still stood by him choosing to believe in him. To be that person, that truly cared about him through ALL.
Mayday… MAYDAYYY. Man down! He’s going downnnnnn… CRASH!💥
There wasn’t anything I could:
Do or Say to help.
To make him; Appreciate, Love, Recognize, Adore, RESPECT …. Have my… back. Like I had his.
Keep him from; spiraling, crumbling, falling apart. Unraveling in his mind and throwing away his life.
Nothing was going to change Chads inevitable.
In retrospect, I realized I was silly for thinking anything mattered to him. For… believing in him when he didn’t even believe in his own SELF.
1. He couldn’t do those things for HIM.
2. His actions, including his relapse were no one else’s fault but his OWN. He made those choices and decisions to throw it all away. All on HIS OWN.
3. Most of the stuff he voiced, was formulated through lies.
Chad, was/is the type of guy who didn’t/doesn’t see value in people, but rather what he can get out of those people.
Constantly taking from them, Yet never really pulling his own weight, nor contributing to any of the connections. The only concept Chad understands…is trail blaze then burn bridges.
“I remember when we were still doing the long distance thing. We were supposed to be in a committed relationship but he didn’t put much effort into it.
One night, while he was at his dishwasher job. We were speaking on the phone. Chad didn’t understand that I could hear him when he spoke underneath his breath….
The new girl walked in the kitchen shared an exchange and as she walked out, he said, “Damn, I’d like to tap that bouncy as aaaaa.”just then realizing I was still on the phone, he’d stopped himself.”
“What did you say?” I stated “curiously” without him realizing I’d just heard him.
I have a tendency to ask people questions I already know the answers to… just to give people the opportunity to prove themselves truthful or deceitful. Nine times out of ten, chad was lying.
“Nothing! I was just cracking jokes with the cook.”
Soon, Chad started being less available for calls. He even missed our scheduled Valentine’s Day Date. Another empty promise he’d accustomed himself to doing.
After a month he resurfaced. Suddenly he was complaining about a girl who was constantly upset with him at work. Sounded more like woes more than anything.
Each time this girl walked up to him in the kitchen at work, he got fearfully silent.
Observation: he didn’t want her knowing about me. Nor, that he was on the phone with another girl. Vice versa. He also didn’t want ME knowing about her.
Within two weeks, he and her we’re at wits ends with one other.
And then… there it was the statement that cleared it all up for me. He uttered under his breath, “ I’m over it!” Counting on me to be naive enough not to hear it nor see it.
I regret not listening to my intuition then. STILL I wanted to believe in him.
***I’m over it***
His famous line, he often stated, when he’d;
- Used up his welcome with others.
- Used up all he can get out of a person
- When others caught on to his antics and he realized they weren’t/aren’t a viable source.
- When the going gets tough.
Chad has always had a particularly hard time when it came to handling the daily stressors of life. It always seemed as though, while everyone lined up in that preverbal line our parents used to mention in childhood, to receive their life tools….Chad lined up on the other side of the building to receive self doubt, self pity, self hate, SELF SABOTAGE, jealousy, spite, etc. Every ugly hearted trait from under the sun EXCEPT the life tools he needed In order to handle, persevere and sail the trials and tribulations of life.
“I still remember how he behaved after relapsing three years ago. While sitting at the bus stop in town, his wallet had fallen out of his pocket. He didn’t realize it until he’d gotten home. He expressed, “It’s fine, I only had fifty bucks in there but it sucks because now I’m gonna have to replace my medical cards and ID’s.
He didn’t want to have to replace his ID cards, so he went back to look for the wallet hoping to find it. No luck. By the time he got back home, I was already at work. I took a quick moment to call him and check in, he’d stated excitedly, “I just spoke to my dad. He is wiring me money to replace my cards and some extra just for some spending cash. Woo!” I smiled and said, “That’s awesome! Things always seem to have a way of working themselves out in life when we simply remain calm.”
“CALM is not a concept Chad has acquired in life. Hence the assault.”
Later that night:
I received a DM from another member in a group chat we were tied into. They sent me screen shots of what Chad was saying. They had already noticed chad was acting stranger those days and asked, “Something doesn’t seem right with Chad is he telling the truth?”
I went in and took a look, he’d spent an enormous amount of energy belting out a sob story about a group of guys that jumped him at the bus stop, beat him up horribly, thus stealing his wallet in the process. That they’d stolen stolen $1,500 from him and his credit cards. Ultimately racking up close to a newfound $5,000 debt.
What went from a $50 loss and resolved solution, suddenly turned into a huge ordeal.
The other members of the group chat ate this sob story up. So much they’d started sending him money through PayPal. One member sent him $1000
Still not sure what angle he was playing or what was playing through his head that night but there is one thing we all know for sure. While, he told me one story and them another, he was most definitely lying somewhere that night.
A modern ConMan
- His favorite hobby: is getting things slyly.
- His M/O is to guilt trip others into doing his bidding.
- His favorite pastime: screwing with other people who’ve pissed him off, as though making other people’s live miserable will make his better.
- His favorite line,
“I got to be able to schmooze people.”
Only, he didn’t count on ME being smart enough to figure out his sheisty ways.
Because of it, he be throwing hella shade.